In my personal experience, grieving was a very healthy step in the healing process. Because I was in survival mode most of the time I was experiencing the abuse, I rarely let my guard down long enough to process the emotions and feelings associated with what was happening.
I became somewhat numb and disconnected with myself – so much so that I had programmed myself to not respond, even when I was hurting. I suppressed any feeling that left a sense of vulnerability and instead gave energy to “toughening up” and hardening myself in order to create more resilience to endure.
As part of the healing process, grieving was somewhat of a thawing out of those feelings I had somehow frozen almost as immediately as the wound of them was inflicted. For a season, I allowed myself to feel the grief associated with things such as the loss of my innocence and childhood as well as the rejection, abandonment and neglect I felt from those who should have protected me. I allowed myself to process through the fact that it was all so wrong, that it was in fact abuse, and that it should have never happened. To make sure these feelings didn’t get misdirected, I did this in God’s presence through prayer, allowing the Holy Spirit to guide me and heal me along the way.
By giving this grief over to God and “purging it” from my heart, I no longer felt the longing of what could have been, or what should have been. God came in and filled that void and as a result, I was able to start looking up and looking towards my future with great hope and anticipation of what’s in store instead of feeling like I missed out on certain parts of my life.
However, while it is healthy for grief to have its season, it’s so important to not get stuck there. That is why I specifically am writing a post about this. I have seen so many women get stuck here, so I share a word of caution.
There is a legitimate need for comfort and relief when coming out of an abusive situation, and while grieving can provide comfort, it does not accomplish the full work of healing and restoration that God has in store. It’s important we not confuse this comfort with the comfort of complete healing. If we misplace this legitimate need and “park it” here, in the arena of grieving, we will stunt our healing process and prevent ourselves from moving forward. We will shift into living in victim mode instead of moving forward towards the victorious life Christ died to give us.
There will come a time when grieving will have had its place but then it’s time to move on. Just be alert that this is an area of vulnerability and don’t convince yourself into staying here longer than you have to.
Here are a few more things about grieving:
- Don’t allow yourself to become completely isolated during this time. While you will need some “alone time” to think through and identify some of those wounds, it’s so important to not isolate yourself completely. Make sure you stay connected to a healthy group of friends and especially to your church.
- Don’t let guilt or shame stop you from being transparent. Especially when hitting tender spots that might trigger feelings of anger, bitterness, and several other emotions that may seem negative, don’t feel bad, guilty or ashamed for feeling or expressing them. The point of this is transparency and identifying areas that you need God to come in and heal. The goal will be to eventually uproot those and replace them with good things, but for now – don’t stuff them away just because you feel ashamed of them. Be real with yourself and be real with God.
- Grief, without hope will lead to despair. The only way I can describe this is to point your grief in the direction of the promising future God has for you. Even if you don’t know what that future looks like yet, trust in the nature and person of God. For example, “God, it hurts that __________ and I’m really angry about _________, but I’m putting my trust in You, and I know you can heal me of this.” By doing this, you’re putting words behind what you feel, and acknowledging that there’s a hurt there, but you’re also acknowledging your need of God and most importantly yielding to His help in these areas.
