I came to know Christ while searching for relief from the pain that a lifetime of sexual abuse had left behind. By the time I was 17, I had been abused at the hands of 5 different men – most of which were family members.
It wasn’t until I became an adult that the word “abuse” had even crossed my mind. Growing up, I knew what was happening was wrong, but to call it “abuse” seemed so extreme. I thought that since I wasn’t walking around with bruises all over me, I wasn’t really being “abused”.
I underestimated the affect it had on me and figured I could just leave it all behind me. However, the flashbacks, memories and feelings of fear, anger, hurt, and shame were all painful scars I lived with every day.
I spent the next several years trying to deny it, hide it, move on and forget about it. But in actuality I was just living a life of duplicity – on the outside everything looked great, but deep down inside I was hurting deeply. No matter how much I tried to forget about it, it wouldn’t just “go away” as I’d hoped. I slowly came to realize that even though I had moved away from the abusive environment itself, it was still very much a part of my life – affecting my thoughts and how I viewed life in general as well as other people. I felt completely trapped, but didn’t know where to turn for the answers. Personally, I had never heard a single story about freedom from abuse. In fact – as quite the opposite – anything along those lines was swept under the rug, kept secret, and not for “the whole world” to know.
The church I grew up in was silent about the issue of abuse and my family was in denial it had happened. So I turned to secular counseling for answers. That took me to an even darker place as I was told that the abuse would be a part of me for the rest of my life. I was told I would simply need to accept the fact that I had been abused and it was now a part of me as much as my hair was brown. In fact, I should accept physical side effects as a byproduct.
My life went into a tail spin. I felt hopeless and the pain almost seemed to intensify as time went by. Up until then, I had managed to keep the wounds hidden inside, but now I felt as though they had been opened up and there was nothing I could do about them. No matter what I did, (partying, drinking, etc.) I couldn’t seem to dull the pain of them anymore. I felt as though I was walking through life completely vulnerable to triggers that would bring back some of the painful memories – memories that felt like raw salt into those open wounds.
Finally, when my marriage was literally at the brink of divorce, and I was at the point of losing everything I had, I came to Christ in all my brokenness and with the weight of all this baggage. I hurt so bad that all I could do was become completely transparent with the pain and the hurt. I had nothing to hide anymore, quite frankly I didn’t care what people thought – as far as I was concerned, there was no more hiding it – I just knew I needed relief. I came to God with only a question – “Can You do anything with this?” And He Did.
It was then that I completely surrendered my life to Christ. And from the moment I did – nothing was off limits to Him. I was raw. I was real. I hid nothing – no compartment in my heart, none of the pain, none of the anger, none of the emotions. Of all the people that had let me down and failed me up until this point, I knew I was safe with God, so I opened up to Him completely. It was in the safety of God’s presence and with Godly people teaching me and helping me along the way that I slowly let go of all the painful memories and hurts associated with my abuse. Piece by piece, bit by bit, I exposed all the areas of pain, healed from them and replaced them with the truth in God’s Word. A complete transformation took place in my mind, will and emotions, and today I live free from the pain, fear and shame.
When I think about the abuse, I compare it to a scar that I’ve had on my right hand for several years. I can still remember the day it happened. I still remember what I was wearing and where I was, but the wound has healed now, and all that is left is – a scar. Just as the mobility of my hand is no longer limited or controlled by the pain of the deep cut, it’s the same with the abuse. I still remember it. I still remember the people who hurt me. I still remember the pain, shame and fear I used to feel – but none of that has any control over me anymore. My thoughts are no longer seized by fear or shame. I no longer live vulnerable to triggers that cause pain, hurt or flashbacks. I’m completely free.
I am living proof that God can free, heal and restore the pain and innocence that abuse steals away. However, for His work to become active in our lives – we must meet Him with our response of total surrender. For a person who has been abused, surrender seems like such an unnatural response – in fact, it’s as if our natural instincts are more to “toughen up”. But as someone who has been there, I can assure you that when our response is that of complete, unhidden openness – He will do a work in you and through you that is far beyond whatever you think could even be possible.
“He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. “ 2 Corinthians 1:4 NLT
